Top Stand Up

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The best time to have a baby is when you're a black teenager.

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Indian parents aren't afraid to kill their kids if they have to. My dad's story was "If I get rid of one I will make another one! And I will tell the new one what an idiot the last one was!"

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I am homeless, I am gay, I have AIDS and I am new in town.

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I was in Amsterdam for about three days, thinking about sex the whole time that I was there, apart from 40 minutes in the Anne Frank museum. And I was there for an hour.

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You can't tell your teenager with a straight face : "You can't do drugs. All drugs are a perfect solution do all the problems you have right now. Drugs are so fucking good they'll ruin your life"

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We don't care about a guy's balls. But when they're not there, you miss them. Like grandparents

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We never went to Toys 'R' Us, we always went to fucking Auschwitz for kids - Home Depot.

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When you’re a bed wetter there’s only one group of people you can feel better than, bed shitters, and unfortunately they’re hard to come by.

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Saudis do dumb things. [...] The Palm tree in Dubai is only good if you're flying over.
They you look down and you go "Hey look, Palm tree". But you go to Palm Tree island, now you're on the island, you don't see bomb tree anymore.
Hey, now I'm on shitty sandbar in the middle of the ocean.

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I cannot have bad luck tonight, I already lost one rabbit's foot, somebody stole my monkey paw and all I have left is one camel's toe.

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I don't want any fat peopIe to feeI uncomfortable at one of my gigs, so next time, buy two seats. Right?

I haven't got a problem with fat people.
No, even though it is their own fault... and it is their own fault.

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If you are still using porno magazines, you're basically telling everyone that you have no idea what the Internet is.